One year ago today, I chose this tattoo as my scar to define all my other scars, the ones I didnāt choose.
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I desperately needed to shift my perspective on my heavily scarred body, and I felt like it was time to stop hiding behind my scars. I needed to reclaim my body for myself and change my internal story from one of brokenness and pain, to overcoming adversity and strength.
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It was no coincidence to me that my surgery yesterday was on the 365th day of having this tattoo. A full year of feeling pride at my scars and the story they tell. A full year of re-learning to love my body and think of her as my partner instead of my enemy.
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Thereās going to be so much more pain after this surgery, more frustrated crying in my bathroom as I adjust to the changes in my body. But that wonāt undo the immense work Iāve already done. Iāve learned to stop blaming my body, and instead empathizing with her. What initially began as learning to forgive my body has turned into learning to love her.
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Maybe loving our bodies isnāt the first step. Maybe forgiving them is. How can you expect yourself to love something youāre so angry at, that continually brings you nothing but pain? I think that forgiveness led to partnership, which led to love. That doesnāt mean I donāt feel angry with her at times, but Iāve learned to shift gears and approach her with compassion instead. Itās changed my life.
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Iām a work in progress, and I always will be.
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Link in profile if you want to read the blog post I wrote last year about this tattoo.
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Ps. At the time of writing that post, my scars were at 67 inches. After my gallbladder removal and yesterdayās surgery, they are now at 78. š
Quick and easy lunch with all my favorite components!
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My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow (Tuesday) at 2pm. Later today or tomorrow morning I will show you all the food I prepped and froze to make meals easier during recovery. I even typed up reheating instructions for each dish, printed the page, and stuck it on the fridge for my parents š maybe a little extra but you canāt say Iām not thorough I guess. š¤·š½āāļø
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This meal came together quickly (as all of mine do) and was both delicious and satisfying! If you havenāt tried the recipe on my blog for extra crispy brussels sprouts, you absolutely MUST. They got a litttttttle burnt here because I was on the phone and got distracted š¬ but they were still delicious!
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Details: 2 Wild Mushroom with Italian Herbs chicken sausages by @bilinskisausage, split and sautĆ©ed on a cast iron skillet until browned on both sides; extra crispy sautĆ©ed Brussels from my blog š¤¤; 1/3 baked sweet potato (wrapped in foil and baked at 450F for 1.5 hours) with a drizzle of olive oil & a sprinkle of @primalpalate Super Gyro (SO GOOD); and some fresh, sweet strawberries!
One thing Iāve been doing to make myself feel better and more prepared for surgery next week is batch cooking a bunch of AIP-compliant proteins and freezing them in individual portions.
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My mom is going to be my main caretaker after surgery, and I know itāll take pressure off of her to have these proteins ready to go; then all she has to do is sautĆ© or roast some veg. Itāll also prevent any confusion about what is and isnāt AIP-compliant and will thus help me stick to the protocol while Iām healing.
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Everything has felt so out of my control with this upcoming surgery, and itās honestly done so much for my mental health to spend time this week prepping all this food. I am solution-focused and feel the most calm when Iām able to direct my energy in a productive way. Itās given me back some of my sense of autonomy.
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Iāll share more of what Iāve been prepping, but here is the garlic rosemary crusted pork loin from The Healing Kitchen by @grazedandenthused and @thepaleomom. I had some the day I made it, and it is insanely good. Itās so nice knowing that Iāll have delicious, Pooja-friendly food ready for me after surgery and through recovery. I highly recommend checking out this book if you feel like youāre in an AIP rut and need some inspiration!
Hey, hi šš½ sup.
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This is a photo of me at a surgical consultation. The very fashionable clothing you see me in is the garment I was given to change into so the surgeon could examine me.
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As I announced on my Instagram Live yesterday, I found out earlier this week that I have to have another surgery (next week). I lost count around 12 or so, but I think this will be my 15th or 16th surgery under general anesthesia (and maybe 10th to manage hidradenitis suppurativa).
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I am exhausted. My family is exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. You think we get stronger with every serious health challenge, but in reality we are growing more and more weary.
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The thing is, you can do everything right. You can follow the anti-inflammatory diet and lifestyle protocol, take the immunosuppressants, try multiple rounds of antibiotics, get localized steroid shots several times, go to the ER, drain it at home repeatedly, alternate between ice and a heating pad, do all the yoga, apply all the balms, ointments, and essential oils...but sometimes nothing is enough. Sometimes autoimmune disease is relentless, and sometimes you need the surgery. And that is OKAY.
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Iāve been dealing with this particular flare for over 6 months now. Six months of constant pain, a ticking time bomb, worsening physical condition, sleepless nights, pain meds, and more. I am disheartened by having to rely on surgery once more. Iām disheartened by how much pain this is causing my loved ones. Iām disheartened by the physical and emotional trauma I will endure once again.
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But you know what? Feeling pain, exhaustion, taking time to process, being angry, and allowing the tears to flow freely do not take away from my strength. Strength comes in many shapes and sizes, and itās important to remind ourselves that feeling our pain wholly does not make us weak.
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If youāre fighting a battle right now and questioning your strength because youāre hurting, know that I see you. Iām here for you and with you. And your strength is greater than you could possibly imagine.
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I endure because I have no choice, but I fight because Iām a damn warrior.
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My name is Pooja, and I am trying to keep my head above water while balancing disease, wellness, and graduate school. Continually learning and growing, with no end in sight. I hope you find something you can relate to here!
