Here’s a not-so-secret: Classes start today.
Here’s a secret: I’m terrified.
I’m not terrified of school, of course. I love learning, being actively engaged in class (I’m the annoying student who always sits near the front row and asks a ton of questions), and being productive. I love everything that has to do with Psychology and the prospect of expanding my knowledge of psych always excites me.
So what is it?
Well…this could be my last semester of undergrad. It technically is my last semester of undergrad…I hope.
I know my health has been stable (for the most part) for a year now, but given its instability in the past, I just cannot allow myself to be excited about potentially graduating in December. It doesn’t feel real yet.
I’ve been disappointed and hurt repeatedly, and I’ve had to withdraw from college so many times that I have grown increasingly afraid of this semester. I’m an emotional wreck behind closed doors because I’m scared of the possibility of getting too sick to complete the semester again. The disease I have is way too unpredictable and I know that it’s never smart to get too comfortable with what my immediate plans may be.
On one hand, it’s horrible because the stress of the fear itself may be enough to push me over the edge and back into serious illness.
But on the other hand, it’s a great thing because it forces me to take myself and my body seriously. Instead of taking on too much or not being as careful with what I eat, I’ll be doing the exact opposite. I will take extreme care of myself this semester to ensure (to the best of my ability) that nothing goes wrong. And I will be paying close attention to my body along the way.
I had initially planned on running a marathon or two in the fall, but after much thought and prayer, I have decided against it. My main goal this semester is to graduate; nothing else. I don’t need to put obstacles in my own way right now. It’s my turn to move on with my life and finally be done with my undergraduate career.
But I can’t help but think…is this what it will always be like? Will I forever walk into timely commitments with fear of my health plummeting? Although it can be extremely humbling as well as important to understand that my plans are not the ones that prevail, living in fear is exhausting.
I want to be excited about graduation. I want to shout from the rooftops that this is my last semester as an undergraduate.
But I am terrified.